Remembrance of Things Past
by HotchnerJareau
Summary: The older girl put the necklace around Jennifer's neck. "This is yours," JJ whispered, "it's your favourite." Ros sighed deeply and put her hand on the girls back. "No matter what happens.. Jen, I just want you to know that I love you, okay?" JJ gulped. "Okay."


**Author's Note: **This story is for ssa_reidiss' contest. Enjoy.

* * *

May 8, 1989

Ten year old JJ couldn't focus on anything. Each time she tried to fold her soccer uniform, she would get interrupted by the yelling and screaming down the hall.

This had happened for years, although JJ never really understood it. Rosaline would hide her face at the dinner table from her and her mom. On the occasional time that JJ would see her older sister's face, she would see the bruises and cuts and dried up blood. Ros usually passed it off as a fight, or she fell during cheerleading. The younger girl didn't think Ros did cheer. But, JJ would get stuck deciding on whether to believe her or not. Even she didn't get that hurt during soccer.

The little blonde slipped off of her bed and crept down the hallway. Mom wasn't home. She liked when mom was home because Ros wouldn't cry and scream. It hurt to hear her sister crying.

The third floorboard creaked as usual as she made her way towards her sister's room. She heard a few muffled cries and stepped back. She had never done this before. Every other time, she would get scared halfway down the hall and sprint back into the safety of her own room. Jennifer knew dad was in there with Ros, but whenever dad was with JJ, she felt safe. She didn't cry, so why was Ros crying and screaming? Dad isn't scary.

"Why can't you be more like your sister, huh? That kid's getting a soccer scholarship, you know that? She's ten years old. Look at her, she is gorgeous. She's won every game this season, her goal each time. And you're telling me she's not successful?"

JJ's heart rate increased rapidly as her eyes widened. Was dad talking about her? Why was he telling Ros this stuff? Wasn't she in high school? She was closer to a scholarship than JJ. But, to hear her dad yell like that was weird, it only happened once in a while.

"I'm sorry I'm not Jenny, dad! I'm sorry! I've never liked soccer, and you know that! I'm not using sports to get into college! Jenny is ten! I'm seventeen for god's sake! I don't play soccer! Stop trying to force it on me!"

Did dad really like JJ that much? Did he really want Ros to learn from JJ? It felt weird. Was she their favourite? No. That wasn't right. Ros wasn't bad, though. Why was she crying? The questions filled JJ's head.

"No! Dad! Stop it! Stop! I'm sorry!" Rosaline screamed.

Then, JJ heard footsteps coming closer to the door. The screaming stopped. She twisted around on her heel and sprinted into her bedroom. She hopped onto the bed and continued trying to fold her clothes. It was even harder this time. Why did her dad want Ros to be more like her? She wasn't that great, was she?

The loud footsteps became quieter as they reached the entrance of JJ's room. His face didn't look like he had been screaming. He looked calm.

"Hey, peanut, you want pizza tonight? He asked. JJ bit her lip in thought as her left hand unknowingly clenched her soccer shorts. "Why was Ros yelling? Did she get in trouble?" The little girl blurted out. The man's eyes slightly widened as he adjusted his posture. "Erm, Jenny, Rosaline's just.. Erm yes, in trouble." He said.

"Why did you talk about me? Why did you talk about my soccer to her? You know she gets bored when we talk about it." JJ couldn't stop. She needed her questions answered. Her dad looked rather shocked for a moment. He must've been surprised that she could hear it– although she could always hear it.

"You're very special, Jenny, remember that. Rosaline just doesn't agree with me." Smooth. That would run over well with a 10 year old.

"Daddy, I'm nearly eleven. I'm not stupid. Why was she crying and screaming for you to stop? That's not how she acts!" JJ pointed out. Her dad was getting frustrated.

"Rosaline hurt herself. She was in pain. Now, let's go get that pizza, alright?" Point 1 to dad. He had passed through JJ's questions.

* * *

June 2, 1989

"Guess what?" Jennifer announced, skipping into the kitchen with her new soccer ball. She waited for her parents to nod. "Julie said I can borrow her cleats tonight for practice!"

"Oh, thank God. I didn't think yours would've been ready anyway." JJ's mom said, kissing her on the forehead. "Sit, Jen, it's breakfast." As the blonde went to sit, she could feel her dad's hand on her shoulder. "We'll be at your practice, kid, one of the last this season." He said. JJ put the ball on the floor. "Yep!"

* * *

July 28, 1989

Eleven year old Jennifer approached her sisters room slowly. She hadn't been in there since she was a lot younger. She remembered bits of it. She remembered the light blue walls, the white furniture, the heart bedding. Opening the door now, it seemed different. A lot different.

Clothes were scattered everywhere, the bed was unmade, the blinds were closed, the walls had writing in the corners. She read the words, "I'm sorry." It puzzled her. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard an unusually angry voice behind her.

"What the hell are you doing in my room?" She asked, hands on her hips. The smaller blonde's eyes widened as she backed up against the wall. She wasn't expecting this.

"N-nothing!" JJ said, nervously.

"Then leave!" Ros said, pointing to the door. Then, JJ noticed it. She noticed the cuts on her wrists. Ros looked at her own arm. She knew JJ could see it.

"Daddy did it." Ros simply said. JJ's eyebrows furrowed. "Seriously? He didn't do it to me!" She said. The 17 year old invited JJ to take a seat on the bed while she shut the door.

"Daddy hurts me when mommy's not home." Ros informed her sister. JJ couldn't tell why her older sister was treating her like a 5 year old. "Ros, I'm not a baby. Stop talking to me like one." The girl sighed. "You're right, Jenny, I'm sorry. It's just– I really do love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Why does dad hurt you?" JJ asked as seriously as she could. She began thinking; was he also hurting her older brother Luke? "He thinks I'm worth nothing. He thinks you're so much better," she marvelled sarcastically, "just because you win every soccer game."

"That doesn't make me better! You're better than me." JJ remarked, looking around. "No, don't say that. He's right. I'm better off not here." JJ's mind opened up to a thousand thoughts. "You're not leaving; are you?!" Ros shook her head, placing her hand on her sister's. "No."

Luke was JJ and Ros' older brother. He was 20 years old, had his whole life ahead of him. He was a straight A student. He was on his way to getting a degree in mathematics. He was brilliant. But, then, he decided to move out with his girlfriend after he proposed to her. JJ didn't see him very much, because by the time she was 11, he was gone. He left her.

Now, he's 45, with two teenage kids, and a proud wife. JJ, Will, and Henry sometimes went down to Nevada to see them. They didn't talk too much, though, as Luke had left before really getting to see his baby sister grow up.

"So why'd you draw all these butterflies on your wrist? Is it to cover the cuts up?" JJ asked, tracing her finger along the inked creatures. Ros bit her lip for a brief moment. She didn't like lying to Jen. She didn't care about lying to anybody else, but her little sister? It was hard. "Uh, yeah, I guess.. Each time I get a cut, I would draw a butterfly."

JJ nodded as she thought to herself. "And then you collect the butterflies on your wrists!" She said. "Right." Ros said.

* * *

"I didn't think that's what she meant, saying she collected butterflies." JJ frowned, looking out of her boss' office window, staring out to the pouring rain. "And, what did you think?" He asked. JJ sighed. She had to tell the story again. She hated it, but for Aaron Hotchner— anything.

"Ros told me that we collected butterflies in the garden. She told me that I collected the prettiest ones. But, when I did.. She was already gone. Hotch stiffened his posture. "You collected butterflies.. Where?" He inquired. "Our wrists." JJ answered, "well, she did. I did once, when I was 11." Hotch's eyes widened. "You c-cu.."

"Yes, Aaron, I did.. Look, that's not the point. I wanted to give up so bad in that room with Hastings. I just felt like dying and giving up like my sister did. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them. But, you know what kept me going? Will, Henry, you guys.. Ros had nobody. She didn't even keep her eyes open for me. You know how I felt? Lonely. Unwanted. So now, I save other children to honour my sister as a lost child, and my own."

"You misc-"

"Yes. I'm sorry, it's just- I haven't told anybody." JJ said.

* * *

August 9th, 1989

"Goodnight, Jenny. Love you." Dad kissed his child on her forehead. She brought the covers to her chin and smiled. "Love you too." She whispered as she turned off the light. The same happened with her mom.

JJ couldn't sleep. She was usually a great sleeper.. Until she started getting migraines. Those things kept her up for hours on end. She used to cry herself to sleep in pain. Her parents, of course, knew she had been diagnosed with migraine, but they couldn't hear their daughter crying. They had given her ibuprofen just before she had gone to bed but it wasn't helping at all.

JJ was just getting comfortable when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. They were nice and light. Not mom, not dad.. Couldn't be Luke– he was in university.. Ros? She crept in and turned the light on. JJ sat up and rubbed her eyes, just as her banging head came into motion. "Ros? What are you doing?" She asked, noticing the jewellery in her hand. "And what's that?"

The older girl put the necklace around Jennifer's neck. "But.. This is yours," JJ whispered, "it's your favourite." Ros sighed deeply and put her hand on the girls back. "No matter what happens.. Jen, I just want you to know that I love you, okay?" JJ gulped. "Okay."

The little girl felt the bed as the contents changed from two people to one. "Goodnight." Ros said, kissing JJ on the cheek. "Goodnight." She replied. The door opened and closed. Then, JJ slipped back under the covers and fell right asleep.

* * *

August 10th, 1989

The sunlight seeped through the tall window in JJ's bedroom. It illuminated her bed, along with her soccer uniform that lay drooped over her desk chair. Her hand flew to her chest as she remembered what was around her neck; Ros' necklace. She didn't think it was right for her to give it up. As much as JJ really loved (and wanted) the necklace, she knew she had to give it back.

She slipped out of her bed and crept down the hall. She didn't hear anybody downstairs as she walked past the banister. The 11 year old opened Ros' bedroom door. She aimed to put the necklace on her side table and run out, but where was Ros?

JJ walked down the hall and looked into her parent's bedroom. Ros wasn't in there. She peeked into Luke's room. Not there, either. It left only one place.

_The bathroom._

She saw the closed door and gently pushed it open. Her piercing screams were unforgettable.

"No, no, no." She said, clutching the necklace tightly in her palm. There her older sister was, drenched in blood, her dad's razor in her hand. Her lifeless body lay in the bathtub. She was dead.

"MOM! DAD!" Jennifer yelled.

* * *

JJ's lips pressed together as she looked up, shaking her head. "She just kinda left me. Left me all alone, my brother was gone, my dad had one foot out the door, everybody just left me. It's like.. It's like they didn't care, you know?"

Hotch bit his lip. "JJ, you know I was abused as a child, it- it's.. I know how it feels. I had bruises, and cuts, and when my friends asked what they were from, I had to play it cool– say I fell while skateboarding or something." JJ nodded and laughed light-heartedly. "She said she did cheer."

"I never felt wanted in my own home, you know that?" Hotch remarked, putting down his pen. JJ looked to the side. "I'm just- I'm sorry. I couldn't imagine making Henry feel unwanted.. I don't understand it. I feel like its a whole other world, you know? I'm sorry." Hotch sighed understandingly. "It's okay, JJ.."

JJ wiped a tear from her eye. "It wasn't the same after that. It was lonely.. There were some days.. I'd just wake up and I didn't want to get out of bed. It didn't seem worth it." She gulped quietly as her voice broke. "I remember it was a week after she died. My parents left me at home while they went out.. It was just for an hour, but I found myself cutting– just like she did. I knew it wasn't right, but I thought that maybe I could just get away from everything and be with her, because that's all I wanted. I just wanted to be with Ros."

Hotch pulled her into a tight hug that he knew JJ had been needing. Of course, Will gave her hugs, but at work, Hotch seemed to be the one to calm her down. JJ hadn't opened up about anything. She always bottled it up.

"I just wanna forget everything!" She cried, getting his shoulder wet. "I am caught in this.. War, between remembering and forgetting.. It's like- the memories... I miss it all, but at the same time, I don't want to feel the pain. I don't like it."

Hotch rubbed JJ's back up and down. Hearing her cry felt like a nightmare. She cried so softly, but when she did, it wasn't very often. "You know, JJ, I was told by a very wise young woman; one day, you'll remember her, and it won't hurt."

"You'll be happy."

"Thank you." She sniffled, "thank you for everything."


End file.
